I'm so tired, but I can't sleep...

Once I got home, I tried to clean up my room but instead immediately logged onto FaceBook and procrastinated for a few hours. The smell of my wet socks and shoes started to fill the room making it a little too unbearable for me to handle, so I started to clean! Turning on the "Abercrombie & Fitch Playlist" through the website. The fun songs usually get me in the mood to clean, but not really the case tonight. I slowly feel as if my routines, my plans, hopes, dreams, my life is falling apart.

Sometimes I try to get different perspectives on things, only to be blown away by how stupid I am to realize things. I'm not looking for sympathy, I don't want it. But more so empathy, you don't have to understand what I'm going through, but just recognize that I'm going through something.

As your life unfolds, you'll slowly start to realize the distinction between plans and the sad reality. It's hard to move forward in a world without hope, with an ounce of optimism. You never want to admit failure, but then that's easy to do if you keep pretending the game is still on.

The word failure echoes itself a million times in my head. Though no one has ever called me it, I realize I've had such few accomplishments, that my life is actually overshadowed by failures.

You want to keep a certain amount of logic in order to preserve yourself but still keep the continuity of hope alive. I try to be hopeful for the future....

For Jared Ian Mueller.

I really wanted to write a personal speech, and the eulogy, so this was the personal speech I read for him.

When I was young I always imagined what the future would hold for me, what it would hold for my family. And if I’d ever end up meeting that special person... Jared and I used to spend hours in our rooms together playing with our action figures, his favorite one’s were the dragon ball z toys. I would take old VHS tapes and set them up on the dresser and take my batman jet plane and act out an action scene of my toys busting through the walls to rescue a fallen soldier of the Dylan Army. But as much as we played, Jared always won the fight, he always had a better car, a better toy, and a better base.

After the toys got a little old and we lost our passion for fighting against good and evil we started socializing with my friends, playing hide-and-go-seek tag at the park behind our house, cops and robbers, and my favorite; Flashlight Tag. Whenever it was nice out we would get kicked out of the house because according to my dad “Its beautiful outside, now get out!” but for the most part I loved and still love being outside with my friends, and as it turns out my friends were Jared’s friends.

As we got older it got harder to play outside with friends anymore because of school work and house chores just never seemed to end. So I would talk to Jared a lot more than I ever have before, he became my best friend. When Chick-Fil-A opened all we ever did was take walks up to there and talk about the weather, talk about his girlfriend, talk about school and talk about problems. A girl said this, some jock did that, but it quickly evolved from little things to completely mean and obnoxious things done to my brother. When I heard how some jock said something mean to Jared I just wanted to punch them across the face but I knew two things; I’m not strong and I would so get beat up! So I just told Jared to ignore them.

When we got older and matured a little I started to realize that I can’t solve every problem in the world, and Jared would remind me that everyday. Instead of I want to get a bag of skittles which could easily be solved by me buying a bag, it was; I want this girl to like me but she just doesn’t wanna give me the time of day. But whenever I did tell Jared about my problems its like he was trouble shooting my life; Well did you compliment her? What did you say about her eyes? You said that! I cannot believe you said that. And so on, he always made me laugh with all the goofy compliments he could think of.

The last things we would do together would be occasionally playing video games, or me driving around with him. Whatever the case I always loved it. Whenever Jared was in the car I would drive fast because I wanted him to have a good time and loosen up a little. He would always question the fact that I even passed my drivers test but I would just laugh. Over the years we seemed to have lost touch as brothers and it really sucked.

Its only been a couple of days and I miss Jared more than ever, I keep thinking that maybe if we don’t touch his room and leave the door open that he’ll come back, or that if we move to a smaller house if he does come back he won’t feel welcome, I just don’t feel like I can come to terms with things right now, and feel like an idiot whos lost track of reality. I always thought that someday when Jared got married I’d be his best man and he’d be mine, but now I can only imagine, just like we did when we were little kids. Imagine. I’ve lost my brother and I miss him so very much. I love you Jared and until I see you again I’ll just have to imagine...`

The Eulogy.

After being asked by a few people I thought I'd post the speech I wrote for my brother, and read during his services.:

Jared Ian Mueller was born November 11th 1988 in Willingboro New Jersey. He attended The St. Paul’s school in burlington New Jersey until 6th grade when he moved to Delran and started to attend in the Delran school system. Upon going through the Delran Middle School Jared earned honor roll (achieved by earning nothing below an 80’ average). Jared Proceeded to graduate from Delran High School in June of 2007, aspiring to be a graphic designer.

He chose to attend BCC (Burlington County College) to take his academic classes. If you ever asked Jared what his favorite school subject was he would gladly answer with History. Wether it be, what year did watergate occur, or to explain the magic bullet theory from the kennedy assassination, he knew it all.

Some kids would be bored to death of learning about Spartans and Ancient Greece, but Jared was able to always dive into it, as if he was there, naming all of the different facts for you.

While attending the Delran Middle School the music teacher Mr. Dorfman introduced Jared to what would become his favorite band; The Beatles. It wasn’t before long that Jared was always wearing a T-Shirt, hanging posters in his room, purchasing every album, to finally my mom buying him a DVD that you can only get in Britain by the Beatles. He loved the beatles, and whenever Jared was feeling down, or happy, there was a beatles song to describe it.

Whenever any friends came over, Jared was the first one to offer them a drink, chips, cookies, or anything we had in the pantry. I always asked Jared to stop because he was really giving all of our food away, but I stopped saying that a while back because of the response I always got.

“Dylan, we have to let them take some food and drinks, because its the nice thing to do and then when we go over their house they can do the same for us”

He always told me to know when its appropriate to be funny; Almost like the time he told me “Dylan, never doubt a mother’s intuition” of course this was as we were playing a video game so I completely lost my focus from laughing so hard!

Whenever discussing friends around Jared, he always thought he had a small amount, but always told us (the family) “but we’re really close!” Jared and Brad Le Coney once went to Wawa and Jared told Brad he wanted to stay inside the car, so upon coming out Jared had been singing Leona Lewis at the top of his lungs with all the windows rolled down, and to top it all of had gotten three random people to sing with him.

Jared was always full of opinions, and always had something to say, but because he wanted to be nice to everyone he tended to hold back a lot. He always was willing to help out another friend before fixing his own problems. It was like he was trying to solve world hunger while fighting a war (with a different country) But no matter what, Jared would always listen, never judging you for what you had done or said.

One of Jared’s favorite broadway shows was Wicked, though he never had seen it, he had plans to and his sister Savannah would play the soundtrack religiously, and yes his favorite song was defying gravity. Whenever his friends would come over I would try and embarrass him by playing music from Wicked but he would actually make requests, and in most cases his friends loved the music too.

Jared was a great guy who had all of the qualities of a genuine, great person. He was a awesome brother, a good son, a friendly nephew, a happy cousin, but mostly the best friend you could ask for. And he will be missed very dearly. We all love you Jared, god bless.

I've heard it said

That people come into our lives for a reason

Bringing something we must learn

And we are led

To those who help us most to grow

If we let them

And we help them in return

Well, I don't know if I believe that's true

But I know I'm who I am today

Because I knew you...

Complete Turnaround

So the movie, was fantastic. I've always had a fascination with Sherlock Holmes, though not like one of my many other fascinations where I will look on every known website in order to learn every tidbit of information, to brag about later with my friends. This fascination has emerged from when I was a child, and saw the movie The Great Mouse Detective, where the characters are played out as fun critters. It is quite enticing if you ask me, perhaps you should look into renting the video. But this movie was nothing short of amazing, walking in I thought could it be as good as The Great Mouse Detective, I doubt it. But believe it or not, the movie had so much intricate twists that it definitely becomes a close rival!

As far as the date, I'd say as awesome as the movie :). I thought Valentines Day was going to suck, and honestly moving boxes in the morning with my cousin Jill really tired me out (Honestly I didn't do that much work so I don't understand why) But contrary to my other post, I totally agree with everyone. There are so many people in the world, and if one person doesn't want to be with me, then screw them. I'm not a person that enjoys being mean or giving anyone the cold shoulder, but after giving someone so many chances to talk to me, I've finally just given up.

I changed my relationship status to SINGLE!

So I'm ready to move on and find someone else. But I must say before I walked out the door to go on my date I had thought, should I send him one last message, to kind of sum up all my thoughts in a "Last Ditch Effort", but thank goodness I came to my senses. If no one wants to give me extra chances then why should I be so open to the idea of doing that for someone else?

All in all, Valentines Day was really fun, and I met a new guy, which is awesome, and he's totally cool, so be jealous :P

Execration for Valentines Day.

Everyone is so quick to say they are over their ex, and that they will be fine without them.

"There are so many fish in the sea..."

People try to comfort you with silly quotes like that one, to which they are trying to say; Maybe that person was really nice, and was everything you liked, but there are billions of people out in the world, so I'm sure you'll find another one! But sometimes these words just don't do the trick, sometimes we are left with an unsettling feeling in our stomach.

Love is what you make of it. Even though if you peer into the dictionary you'll see an exact definition, it's interpreted differently everywhere. A mother's love is unconditional, no matter what you do in this world, your mother will always love you. There are families that have had to watch their siblings murder others, turning into serial killers. But when they show the mother, she'll still say "But I love him/her". Should a mother's love be correlated with any type of love, loving your sister, brother or perhaps your boyfriend or girlfriend?

Some will admit that they misused the word, in that if you love someone you should be willing to die for them, or rather do anything for them. But other's proudly say that Love is what they meant, and that is all they have to offer. Nothing but love.

It's hard to move on, on one had I want to say, screw you, good riddance and a whole bunch of other nasty snide comments. But before it comes to that I will rationalize by saying, why would you say that to someone you love.

"How did I become so obnoxious?

What is it with you that makes me act like this?
I've never been this nasty
Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest
But baby I don't mean it" - Pink (Please Don't Leave Me)

So everyday I wake up, and I think, I don't need this person. But then one song comes on, and that's all it takes. Then the tears start falling, and all I can do is ask, what the hell was I thinking?

So all in all do I think that I can find someone else? Probably, but the real question is:

Do I want to settle for someone else?

I currently feel.

I was going to write a long blog about how angry some people get me, but then "ignorance is bliss" for some. So instead of writing anymore tonight I think I'll just say:

Fuck this blog, I'm going to eat.

Shout-out to ma dawg Dylan :)

Valentines Day.

While going through all of the ridiculous questions on FormSpring, I was finally challenged with a more reasonable question;

Do you have someone for valentines day, and if not, do you want someone?

Even though many people just give a quick answer to this website, in an effort to be as vague as possible, I try to give a complete answer for all the questions I'm asked. I'm not talking about the idea of restating the question in my answer for my complete answer (as your fourth grade english teacher would have you believe is a complete answer) but just answering all points of the question, and go as in depth as I can, without being over the top with my answers.

I knew at some point, someone was going to ask me this question, wether it was on FormSpring, Facebook, text, or e-mail, someone was going to ask it, and even though I knew it was going to happen I was still caught off guard. If you're a close friend then you know this past week has been filled with what most people would refer to as "drama" or what I like to call "The Marathon of my fucking life" (Sorry about the profanity).

But in any case, many people will tell you that everyone is caught over-using the word "Love" and that we as people often throw it around as if it's some everyday thing (For lack of better phrasing). But in my defense, everyone is so quick to point out that you're too young to be in love, and that "you" don't know what love is, the first person you "fall in love with" isn't "the one" but just a stepping stone in life. But sometimes I just don't want to believe that.

I know it may sound unrealistic, but I'm a strong believe in love at first sight, and that everyone has someone in the world, and if you have found that person at age 18 rather then age 28 or as old as 58, then good for you.

"Life is a learning experience and sometimes we don't need as much practice as other people in order to get it right." - Dylan Mueller

So when this question was asked, I thought for a while, and if you'd take a look at my Facebook information section you'll notice that my status is currently "It's complicated", when a couple of weeks ago it read "Engaged". Everyday I ask all of my friends and family for advice about my relationship, I've always been one to dispense advice but can't seem to take it.

Sometimes where we are at and where we planned on being, will never intersect.

So do I have someone for Valentines Day? I don't think so, and if I do then the communication between us is so broken, that I can't even think. For so long in my life I wanted to be in a "long term relationship" and I finally got a taste of that and it has come to an end (or so it seems). Even though I try to think that I'll find someone, and that eventually I'll find "The One" I can't help but think how I've already "Been there done that" and now have fucked that up.

“People so seldom say I love you And then it's either too late or love goes. So when I tell you I love you, It doesn't mean I know you'll never go, Only that I wish you didn't have to.”

To No One In Particular.

So last night I was laying in bed, listening to music instead of watching television shows. It was nice, I really had a lot of time to think about things, and oh how I love to use the phrase, taking things into perspective. I thought, maybe I should get out of bed and write a couple letters, to some people that I've had a "rough time" with, and believe me, for some that is putting it lightly. But then laziness succumbed me, and I said, it's 3am and I need to get some sleep, but against everything I stand for, I didn't jot down a note on what I was thinking on a little green sticky note, or write it on my hand, but simply said I'll remember...

I always like laying down when my room is all clean and tidy, with the music playing, soft music, easy listening if you will, like Norah Jones or Michael Buble. Sometimes it's the song lyrics that get me thinking, other times I feel like the tune of the song was written for me, playing out during my life. Some songs I cannot listen to because, I know it sounds very feminine but they remind me of people, places, and things that I do not want to remember. For example the song Broken by Lifehouse, usually brings tears to my eyes, even though it talks about how he lost someone that he is in love with, I had chosen to play it during my brother's funeral service, and whenever I hear it I usually think of being there, and I just don't enjoy it all that much.

"The broken clock is a comfort, that helps me sleep tonight, maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time..." - Lifehouse (Broken)

I think it's quite amazing the effect that songs have on everyone, because some like the one listed above, can cause people to cry with sadness over missing a loved one. While others can cause people to cry with joy, or laugh with a lot of emotion. Even though I probably shouldn't admit it, while I was young my father always enjoyed listening to Donna Summer and one song that when played, makes me giggle, and remember all the fun times I used to have with my brother and my dad driving in the car together. My dad telling us that if we didn't sing a certain verse of the song that he would not drive us to the mall, I always enjoyed singing though and looking like fools together made it all the more funny and memorable.

"MacArthur's park is melting in the dark, all the sweet green icing flowing down, someone left the cake out in the rain, I don't think I can take it cause it took so long to bake it, and I'll never have that recipe again..." - Donna Summer (MacArthur Park)

Even though, as time goes by, it gets harder and harder to remember these memories, I'll always have my pictures, and I'm sure everyone can agree that when you listen to a certain song, while looking at the pictures, you may remember even more of what happened. It's very odd, but always fun to do.

Whatever the case, songs always have an odd effect on me, making a grin on my face, sometimes a frown, other songs I don't really react to (rarely occurs though) just because I guess I haven't made a memory with that song... Yet.

I've always wanted to write a letter to my dad. In reference to everything he has done, but then I feel as if I'm being a little unfair, so then I changed my focus from everything to the last 5 years (Divorce to present time). Though I have written many letters I never sent them, I always gave myself a reason for not sending them though, and just this year, I lit them all on fire after reading them one last time. Thinking to myself, in 4 years, absolutely nothing has changed. The problems if not all the same have persisted to worsen. But in any case, I wasn't going to address that, because, if in 4 - 5 years you cannot change something so negative about yourself, than it's likely it will never change.

I've given it a lot of thought though, and I think this is something that I would like to say to him, or something along these lines;

It amazes me how I can be so open with you, sharing stories, giving and getting advice on situations, but when something doesn't go your way, you completely turn the other cheek. Purposely having Christmas Eve at your apartment, getting gifts for every niece and nephew (not that gifts really matter to me) and not think that there is any problem with me not being there. We have gotten in an argument concerning the final arrangements of my brother. I was told "If this doesn't happen, I will never forgive you" and I don't mean to sound as if I'm older and more mature (even though in a way I feel that) but one would think that after losing a son, you'd be quite adamant about having a relationship with your other two children. Not the case. So I just wanted to sum it up by saying, if you don't want to have a relationship with me, that's fine, I won't be crying in the corner over how my father refuses to talk to me, but just know, one day your here, and the next your gone, so don't come to my funeral and weep over me, because in your eyes, I'm already gone.

I feel like if I include a little bit of song lyrics, and maybe some parts of different poems I could spice it up a bit. But for the most part that is what I would want to say to him... So on to the next one!

I've always watched romance movies and honestly, would laugh at them. The idea of finding "the one" person your supposed to live your life with, sounded so ridiculous to me. I always asked myself do I believe in love at first sight? Can that really happen? Even though some may point out that it would be premature to say that it can, I am a strong believe in this, and to this day still think that I have found the one. I just hope that in the end the love that we had, will be stronger than all the bullshit going on. I really can't say any more without repeating myself, so that's my piece. With all my love....

I never thought that at age 19, I'd be where I am in life. Quite surprising....

"And today was a day just like any other..." - Jack's Mannequin (I'm Ready)