To No One In Particular.

So last night I was laying in bed, listening to music instead of watching television shows. It was nice, I really had a lot of time to think about things, and oh how I love to use the phrase, taking things into perspective. I thought, maybe I should get out of bed and write a couple letters, to some people that I've had a "rough time" with, and believe me, for some that is putting it lightly. But then laziness succumbed me, and I said, it's 3am and I need to get some sleep, but against everything I stand for, I didn't jot down a note on what I was thinking on a little green sticky note, or write it on my hand, but simply said I'll remember...

I always like laying down when my room is all clean and tidy, with the music playing, soft music, easy listening if you will, like Norah Jones or Michael Buble. Sometimes it's the song lyrics that get me thinking, other times I feel like the tune of the song was written for me, playing out during my life. Some songs I cannot listen to because, I know it sounds very feminine but they remind me of people, places, and things that I do not want to remember. For example the song Broken by Lifehouse, usually brings tears to my eyes, even though it talks about how he lost someone that he is in love with, I had chosen to play it during my brother's funeral service, and whenever I hear it I usually think of being there, and I just don't enjoy it all that much.

"The broken clock is a comfort, that helps me sleep tonight, maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time..." - Lifehouse (Broken)

I think it's quite amazing the effect that songs have on everyone, because some like the one listed above, can cause people to cry with sadness over missing a loved one. While others can cause people to cry with joy, or laugh with a lot of emotion. Even though I probably shouldn't admit it, while I was young my father always enjoyed listening to Donna Summer and one song that when played, makes me giggle, and remember all the fun times I used to have with my brother and my dad driving in the car together. My dad telling us that if we didn't sing a certain verse of the song that he would not drive us to the mall, I always enjoyed singing though and looking like fools together made it all the more funny and memorable.

"MacArthur's park is melting in the dark, all the sweet green icing flowing down, someone left the cake out in the rain, I don't think I can take it cause it took so long to bake it, and I'll never have that recipe again..." - Donna Summer (MacArthur Park)

Even though, as time goes by, it gets harder and harder to remember these memories, I'll always have my pictures, and I'm sure everyone can agree that when you listen to a certain song, while looking at the pictures, you may remember even more of what happened. It's very odd, but always fun to do.

Whatever the case, songs always have an odd effect on me, making a grin on my face, sometimes a frown, other songs I don't really react to (rarely occurs though) just because I guess I haven't made a memory with that song... Yet.

I've always wanted to write a letter to my dad. In reference to everything he has done, but then I feel as if I'm being a little unfair, so then I changed my focus from everything to the last 5 years (Divorce to present time). Though I have written many letters I never sent them, I always gave myself a reason for not sending them though, and just this year, I lit them all on fire after reading them one last time. Thinking to myself, in 4 years, absolutely nothing has changed. The problems if not all the same have persisted to worsen. But in any case, I wasn't going to address that, because, if in 4 - 5 years you cannot change something so negative about yourself, than it's likely it will never change.

I've given it a lot of thought though, and I think this is something that I would like to say to him, or something along these lines;

It amazes me how I can be so open with you, sharing stories, giving and getting advice on situations, but when something doesn't go your way, you completely turn the other cheek. Purposely having Christmas Eve at your apartment, getting gifts for every niece and nephew (not that gifts really matter to me) and not think that there is any problem with me not being there. We have gotten in an argument concerning the final arrangements of my brother. I was told "If this doesn't happen, I will never forgive you" and I don't mean to sound as if I'm older and more mature (even though in a way I feel that) but one would think that after losing a son, you'd be quite adamant about having a relationship with your other two children. Not the case. So I just wanted to sum it up by saying, if you don't want to have a relationship with me, that's fine, I won't be crying in the corner over how my father refuses to talk to me, but just know, one day your here, and the next your gone, so don't come to my funeral and weep over me, because in your eyes, I'm already gone.

I feel like if I include a little bit of song lyrics, and maybe some parts of different poems I could spice it up a bit. But for the most part that is what I would want to say to him... So on to the next one!

I've always watched romance movies and honestly, would laugh at them. The idea of finding "the one" person your supposed to live your life with, sounded so ridiculous to me. I always asked myself do I believe in love at first sight? Can that really happen? Even though some may point out that it would be premature to say that it can, I am a strong believe in this, and to this day still think that I have found the one. I just hope that in the end the love that we had, will be stronger than all the bullshit going on. I really can't say any more without repeating myself, so that's my piece. With all my love....

I never thought that at age 19, I'd be where I am in life. Quite surprising....

"And today was a day just like any other..." - Jack's Mannequin (I'm Ready)